Planning you Perfect Relationship

Welcome back friends.

The world has changed very fast over the past few decades and we are all facing challenges in our lives. In today’s session we will provide a method to change one challenge into a blessing.

 

Planning your perfect relationship.

 

One of the greatest joys in life is to love completely and have someone love you completely, wholeheartedly. Loving this way means that you ‘do’ for your partner, not to make them feel loved but for you to love them more. To serve your partner without condition. The more you do for them, the more you love them. Living unselfishly for the self.

Yes, it can be done.

 

Relationships these days have become more of an agreement, a mutual understanding than a partnership. No one wants to be alone and no one wants to struggle alone, so we enter into a mutual understanding. What do I mean by a mutual understanding? A mutual understanding relationship is comfortable, you live in a nice home, you have nice food to eat, both contribute to the expenses, you go on holidays together, but there is little or no growth in your being. You do not have inner aspirations or personal growth goals that you share and help each other achieve. Instead, in most cases your partner would prefer if you don’t change.

 

The main reason everybody wants a relationship is for love, to be loved and to feel love. But not a lot of people know how to love. 

 

So why do we end up in less favourable relationships so often, and what does it take to plan your perfect relationship? After all, is that not what we strive for when we search for a partner?

Consciously yes, however most relationships are built or founded on subconscious wants and needs. 

 

·        The need for sex

·        The need to feel loved

·        The need to be needed

·        The need to not be alone

·        The need for significance. (Power, influence, beauty…)

 

These needs form the basis of our search criteria. If you have a need for significance, you will find a partner that is beautiful or have great influence in their communities.

 

The more relationships we enter into the more these criteria changes. After all, we learn and grow and realise (Sometimes)that we actually want something else or have another need to fulfil that the current partner can’t or won’t fulfil.

 

But its not always fun entering into multiple relationships, it hurts and we have to change again and again to accommodate some else. It takes a lot of energy and patience, especially after the initial in-love phase.

 

Remember, “no person is imperfect, you are just incompatible.”

 

In order for you to be in a perfect relationship, you must first know what it means for you to be in a perfect relationship. Let’s follow the principle that you always get what you truly want in your core being.

 

If you want a pretty partner, you will get it, but their personality might not be so great or they have some sort of addiction or dysfunctional social behaviour. You got what you were looking for, you just weren’t clear on what you wanted.

Now, for the next relationship you say to yourself that you will not make that mistake again, and you ask for a partner that is loving, caring and presentable to your family and friends. Wala, you get a partner that is all that, but they are not pretty, might be over weight and do not have a stable job.

Do you settle for this? Or do you keep on searching? After all, you are not getting younger. At what age will you settle for what you have, or are you a trooper and will continue to search until you get what you want?

 

Have you ever noticed this in your relationships? Have you settled too soon? Do you have another chance in you? Or do you have a partner that is willing to change for the betterment of the relationship and yourselves?

 

Never settle for second best. The main reason not to have sex before a serious commitment is that sex bonds two people, and if you are not compatible then you have built a bond that is difficult to break and you find yourself a few years down the line with a less than favourable relationship, perhaps you have kids together as well.

How many people have fallen in this trap? Following sex first into relationships lead to people settling for second best. Never settle for second best, plan your life instead and get what you want.

 

So, lets see what it takes to plan your perfect relationship and avoid unnecessary heartaches.

 

We will look at:

·        Why – Most common reasons we end up in less favourable relationships

·        How - What we ideally want and how to plan for our ideal perfect relationship

·        The Destination- Becoming the perfect relationship

 

“In-love infatuation dwindles away. Pure love builds and expands”

 

Most common reasons we end up in less favourable relationships

 

·        Hormones and our development

·        Examples – Family and media

·        Not having a clear vision of what you really, really want.

 

Hormones

As our bodies develop, we get to experience a range of feelings and emotions that our bodies release. As a teenager, all of these feelings, emotions and thoughts are new and we are still busy figuring out what it all means for us. Like how does these emotions link with the thoughts we are having and vice versa. ‘Am I really in love or is it just hormones?’ ‘Why can’t I control this feeling of in love?’ Is it real love or just chemical reactions that is new in my body.

 

Side note

What are emotions?

Emotions are chemical reactions released in the brain when a certain criteria is met. Ex, when you see a cute puppy, you get elated and react a certain way. When a person looks and touch you in a certain way then you feel infatuated and in love. It is all just thought patterns that trigger our emotions, and most of them are subconsciously programmed in our bodies.

 

The teenage brain is still busy developing and it explains why teenagers are so reckless. Their rational thinking part of the brain (Pre frontal cortex) is still busy developing. That’s why you see teens going down a hill in a shopping cart or trying some extreme stunt.

The pre frontal cortex only reach maturity around the age of 21-25 years. If you think back, do you remember that your life and perceptions changed around that age…? I do, I felt more a of a responsible person after 21 years of age.

 

Below is an exert from American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Click on the link to read the entire article.

Based on the stage of their brain development, adolescents are more likely to:

·        act on impulse

·        misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions

·        get into accidents of all kinds

·        get involved in fights

·        engage in dangerous or risky behaviour

Adolescents are less likely to:

·        think before they act

·        pause to consider the consequences of their actions

·        change their dangerous or inappropriate behaviours

 

It is very important to be guided in our teenage years, to have a better understanding of what we are experiencing and how to make sense of it all. This can save many years of heartache and searching for true love. It is also very important to combine the guidance with experience. Parents need to talk to their teens about relationships, sex and love, dissecting their experiences to guide and build a better framework. Parents who want to avoid the topic of sex is setting up their teens for lots of heartache. Be brave and talk about it, it might save your child from a bad relationship.

 

This leads to the next point, Examples.

 

 

“Sometimes in relationships, what we call love, is just comfort.”

 

 

Examples

 

As our brain and body develop, so does our perceptions about life. It is therefore very important to have stable and good examples in our lives to guide us through these changes in order for us to make good and wise decisions, not hormonal decisions.

Our examples, like our parents or caregivers, should be there to guide us on sex, not how sex works, but rather why. The reason is not just to experience pleasure and to reproduce, but the deeper meaning of building stronger love in the heart, “love making”.

Sex is an extremely powerful energy and if we are able to manage our sexual energy from a young age, we will be super beings.

We live in a world where men aren’t encouraged to feel love and thus struggle to relate to their partners. Men tend to stay in their minds and woman in their emotions. The ideal is to have a balanced life of mind and emotions. Love is a wonderful overwhelming feeling or state, love transcends thoughts, pure love is unconditional and that is the aim of love. Anything less is not pure love.

 

Parents

How many of you wanted to be like your father or mother when you were growing up? We idolised our parents. Our parents were our first loves and biggest heroes. We tend to mimic their mannerism and behaviours. In most cases, if a father was a drunk, the kids tend to have strong liking to drinking as well.  

If the parents were successful, in most cases the kids will have a successful life.

If the parents had loving and joyful relationships, then the kids will look for and find a partner to have a similar relationship with.

The principle of the rich get richer and the poor get poorer are very true. It is the lessons and examples we transfer to our kids that make that statement true and powerful.

 

We learn about relationships from the behaviour of our parents, how they treat each other and how they respect each other. We learn how to love and what love is. Our parents are the major determining factor of the outcome of our love life.

If the 2 parents have different opinions about love and relationships, then the child will draw towards one parent’s point of view and usually discard the other, instead of finding balance. The ideal would be to have parents with similar or the same view on relationships and love, that will build a strong foundation for the children to follow.

 

Let’s take this example: If the parents often fight and make up, then it sets the example for the kid of how to feel love, first you fight then only are you deserving of love, love follows arguing. You will find some people who believes that all relationships should have arguments and fights. They most likely follow this model. There are better ways to feel love all the time without fighting and arguments. Change your definition of love and don’t settle for anything less.

If the parents do everything together like doping the shopping, afternoon walks, working in the garden, attending the kids sport activities etc, it sets the example for the kids to work together in unity. Having parents like this will reflect in the children’s behaviour as well, are the children fighting a lot or getting along.

Do you get the idea? Look at your own life and relationships. Isn’t it eerily similar to your parents’ relationships?

 

Media

In our current world sex is seen as an achievement, a badge. This leads to unemotional sex, sex without purpose or intention, for pleasure only. Contrary to popular opinion, sex was not meant for that alone.

 

[Follow my page to read about Sex transmutation to get a better understanding of sex, intentional sex and how to make use of this powerful energy to create and shape your world. - Coming Soon]

 

The Media is one of the biggest influences on the outcome of our lives. If parents do not talk about sex and relationships to their children, they get told by the Media, like series shows, movies and the worst one, social media. Don’t let your kids be educated by social media.

Think about all the drama in some of the shows. Its not good examples for a happy life. People do not want to watch a show about a relationship that is perfect, it will not last one season. 😊

 

Media is playing on our thoughts and emotions. Every time a beautiful person appears on screen or a billboard it triggers thoughts and feelings inside our bodies unwillingly. This gives false perceptions of life and relationships. People strive after looks and things instead of fulfilment. Fulfilment is the only ‘thing’ that will last, even if something gets taken away. Fulfilment comes from within and can never be taken away.

Media is using tricks, evolutionary tricks to get us to buy things and buy into things. Be careful what you look at and look up too. Look for values instead of beauty. Not all beauty is good and not all beauty is bad, it is how it is used.

 

Some of the major tactics media and advertising are using is to play on our emotions with arousal. People tend to make more irrational decisions when they are aroused. Arousal do not always mean sexual arousal, but a state of arousal. Bright colours, beating sounds, flashing pictures and beautiful images. If you watch a lot of TV or shows, you are most likely in a constant state of arousal and don’t even know about it. Take a break form screentime and spend some time with yourself.

 

It has been said that it takes 3 generations to brain wash a nation. If you tell a lie long enough it will be accepted as the truth. This can be seen in today’s world. Having good values has been sliding down the scale and having money and power has increased. Know where your values are.

How many people have you seen lately that truly value their partner, family, friends and even sex? Sex is being thrown wildly around as if it is a piece of furniture. Family members are being stuffed in retirement homes and forgotten in the name of our own comfort, forgetting the important part they played in bringing us into this wonderful life.

A lot of parents of today do not know the value of a good relationship and sex or how to use and enable it, and thus they are unable to teach it. Have you noticed the trend that schools are supposed to teach it more and more, what a mess! This is creating a society of robots, unemotional robots.

 

Find out your values you want to have around relationships, what your partners values should be and how you value sex. Do not accept what you see on media as natural.

 

“Normal does not mean natural”

 

Not having a clear vision of what you want

 

This point supersedes the other two. You could have had bad examples and bad experiences as a teen, but not having a clearly defined vision or goal of your ideal relationship, will result in you settling for what you know and have seen (Examples).

 

Having a goal or vision gives you direction, it allows you to make informed decisions based on your real wants and needs. Without a clear vision, you will be a victim of your hormones, or known as a ‘player’ or a ‘flirt’.

 

The duration of your relationship is largely determined by the length of time you intend to be with the person. Do you see yourself growing old with that person and do the other person see the same? This question needs to be answered with complete honesty. If there is a single doubt inside you, then do not expect the best relationship you can have. You might stay together if you are comfortable, but being comfortable is not the best relationship. Being comfortable arises form settling and not believing you can have the best you deserve. Again, media makes it ‘normal’ to be in a less than perfect relationship. It is possible, just don’t stop until you have found the person that compliments you and your vision. They are out there, and they are also looking for YOU. Change your strategy in dating. Have a clearly defined list of what you are looking for and break off the notion of a relationship before it gets serious and difficult to break up. There is nothing wrong with searching for what you want and not settling. It is admirable and a long-term win for you. Being in a less than favourable relationship for years will slowly killing you inside. Inside we know we want more and we know we deserve more. Base your relationship on your feelings, how do you want to feel everyday and how do you want to make your partner feel every day. Finding a partner with the same values is a recipe for a fantastic relationship.

 

Just because you are in a long-term relationship with someone doesn’t mean that he/she is your perfect partner, and just because you don’t fight or argue a lot also is not an indicator that he/she is your perfect partner. This is an indication that you are getting along, that you are comfortable with each other and each other’s traits and behaviours.

 

“Sometimes we settle for ease in order to stay the same”

 

Staying the same = not changing. This leads to frustration.

 

If you can see yourself growing old with one person, being in love, in joy, and unity towards a common goal, then you are on the right track.

A perfect relationship is one based on serving. Serving each other without condition, without expectation. This is recipe for greatness.

 

Here are some characteristics to consider in your perfect partner.

 

·        Laugh out loud a lot

·        Have a lot in common/similar interests (hobbies, books, conversation topics etc)

·        Think the same way i.e. process thoughts, feelings and situations the same. It saves a lot of explaining and allows for conversations and ideas to expand quickly and exponentially.

·        Great moral values

·        Know who they are and what they stand for. (If you want this, you should know this about yourself)

·        Funny – have similar sense of humour.

·        A sense of pride

·        Always striving to be better

·        Loving and compassionate

·        Living towards a common goal (Internal and external goals)

·        Love spending time with each other but are able to be alone

·        Best friend

·        Have healthy habits (Exercise, good diet and good habits) what you don’t use, you lose.

 

Be careful in choosing just a birth giver or sperm doner, choose a partner, a friend, a lover. Choose someone you can share your whole being with, someone that appreciates your whole being.

 

Build every step of your future life with this partner in it. If you can’t see it then it’s probably not going to happen. It takes work, it takes effort, but at the end of the day, it is all worth it. Nothing worthwhile comes for free, work a bit for your happiness.

 

 

How to plan your perfect relationship

 

Let’s delve into the planning of your perfect relationship.

 

“Don’t measure your future with your past, you will surely be disappointed.”

 

A partnership is based on team work. Teamwork means that one person fills in when the other person is unable to do something, without asking or telling. A team works towards the same goal and both team members know what needs to be done and both will be first to try and get things done. It creates a great environment to live in and to prosper.

Imagine having a partner, that everything they do is to enhance the relationship, the experience and the quality of life for you and for the relationship.

 

Our lives are mainly driven by the way we feel. If we feel angry, then our thoughts, actions and reactions follow from anger. If we feel loving our actions and reactions follows from love. The state we are in determine the way we react and thus the way we are perceived. The way you are and the way you are perceived is a strong determining factor of the type of partner you will find.

 

Let’s take it further. If the way you feel inside attract the type of partner, then it is worth making sure that you feel great inside and have great expectations of life. Have you ever noticed when you are feeling down and out that the world treats you the same? It is very important to ensure you have a great positive outlook and expectation of life.

In this section we will define how we want to feel. If our lives are mainly driven by the way we feel, then we want to make sure what we feel is in alignment with what we want, do you agree? Feelings are a lot more complex than just happiness, sadness, love, anger etc. It goes very deep and the powerful questions will demonstrate that.

 

Clearly define your perfect relationship.

Here are some powerful questions to help you determine and plan your relationship. Write down these questions and make sure you think thoroughly about these questions, these are important. If you are foggy about your answers or not completely honest, then you that is what you are going to get. Trust the process.

 

 

·        How do you want to feel in the relationship?

·        How do you want to make your partner feel?

o   Loved, safe, secure, wanted, like a friend and lover, he/she is the only one, cared for etc.

·        How do you want your partner to make you feel?

·        How do you want to be greeted when you enter the home?

o   With a smile, kiss and love. The smell of fresh flowers and a lovely meal in the kitchen. A glass of wine and a fun conversation that never ends? Really feel this.

·        How do you want to greet your partner when they get home?

·        How does your house feel?

o   Loving environment, a feeling of gratitude throughout the house, friendly and open, a prosperous house and people inside, a feeling of relief that you have accomplish what you wanted, calm and caring, a safe haven, open for visitors etc..

·        How will your kids act? How are their mannerisms. (Kids behaviours and mannerisms say a lot about their environment and examples, so plan this one well)

·        How does it feel to wake up next to your perfect partner every day?

o   Luxurious, in awe, grateful for him/her, grateful they choose you with the same amount of gratitude and love, in love, safe, warm, together, spooning.

·        How do you want to feel when you are out?

o   Secure in your relationship, fun, careless of opinions, proud of your partner, proud to be with your partner, excited…

·        How will it feel if you are grateful for your partner, grateful you can share yourself with someone wholeheartedly and they do the same,

o   Grateful you are accepted, grateful you share similar interests and grow towards the same goals.

·        How will you know when you are being loved?

·        How will your partner know they are loved?

·        How does it feel to have long meaningful conversations every day? (if you want this)

·        What favours would you like to receive from your partner? Regular massages or foot rubs etc, and how does it feel when your partner approaches you and just start doing these favours without you asking. 

 

The key to this exercise is to really put yourself in these questions and really feel it as if that is happening now.

Remember, our lives are mainly driven by the way we feel. If you feel these answers in your whole being, then somewhere it will start showing in your life. You will reap the rewards. Doing this is better than ending up with the same type of partner or issues.

 

What other powerful questions can you think of?  Write them down and answer them in detail.

Imagine being with a partner like this. A partner that is ever grateful for you and who you are ever grateful for. A relationship where your love for your partner grows constantly. A partner you are proud off. A partner that makes you proud.

 

My father once told me after a relationship when I was in my late teens, never settle for second best. I wanted to go back to a girlfriend that was not exactly what I wanted, but my hormones felt like I had to get back.

That statement helped me see the bigger picture, “Never settle for second best”. Don’t go after someone that does not serve your best interest and make you feel the way you want to feel.

 

That advice made me grow in myself and my relationships. It made me really question who I was and what I wanted. I still had to work on my insecurities and lack of self-belief, but I managed to get a hold of that later in my life. What a blessing.

 

“You always get what you ask for, so be specific.”

 

 

Be careful not to fantasise, think this through. Asking to be in love every day of your life is a tall order. Being in love is a feeling of infatuation, and infatuation never ends on a positive note. Asking to feel loved everyday is more sustainable and achievable.

 

 

The Destination – Living with the vision

 

The final part is to live with your vision in your heart and in your being. You have to become the vision you create. You have to act as if you are that person you described when you did the powerful questions. Have you notice the confident people and their confident partners? They never get an insecure partner, they don’t even entertain people like that. That is the reason they keep on getting confident partners. The same principle applies for your vision. Be your vision. If you want to have a warm loving home for your partner, do it now. If you want to feel loved when you enter your home, feel it now. Feelings come from within, not without, so you are able to feel this feeling when you are still living alone. Try it, become excited to go home and expect the feeling of greatness, love and warmth.

Prepare the meals you would with your partner, don’t skimp. If you don’t do it now, you won’t do it with your partner.

This part is very important and it works great. It also makes you feel better way before you meet your partner. This prepares you for when you meet someone to know from the start if they are in alignment with your desires. It saves you a lot of time because dating takes time. Separate the wheat from the chaff early on. Don’t go on dates when the person doesn’t meet your basic requirements. Don’t tell them your weaknesses and wants. If the person does not have those character traits themselves, they certainly won’t adopt it themselves.

If you tell a person you would love to be texted first thing in the morning and last thing at night, then the person will do it for the first while, while dating. If the person does not do it themselves, don’t expect it to last. Be wise about choosing a partner. Be thorough. Have list of scenarios and questions you pose to the potential person and don’t allow for second chances.

Trust your instinct, not your eyes. Trust these questions.

Be the person who you want to be in the relationship, and surely you will attract the person you have asked for and planned for.

 

Enjoy this process, it is very exciting. Enjoy your perfect relationship.