How to overcome 'shame' and be more successful?

 

Shame

 Do you feel ashamed of yourself sometimes? Ashamed of your actions and reactions, your body, your responses? Do you tend to feel guilty for other people’s actions?

Keep reading to find out why you punish yourself with shame and humiliation and what you can do to regain your pride and self-respect.

 

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises in relation to the perception of having done something dishonourable, immoral, or improper. Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self.

 

What are some characteristics of shame?

 

·        Shame is a self-punishing behaviour like wearing dirty clothes, eating messily or too much, wearing too tight-fitting clothes, having a dirty car/house or not being on time can be shameful.

·        Tend to be over emotionally sensitive.

·        We create situations to feel humiliated about ourselves.

·        Creating situations of feeling pain. Pain being the feeling of shame/humiliation.

·        Eating messily and dirtying our clothes to feel shame.

·        Eating too much so our bodies become large in order to feel shame or humiliation.

·        Feeling shameful that you were not in control.

·        Begging makes us feel shame. And shame makes us beg. Accepting handouts from other people when you know you can do it yourself. i.e. begging

·        Having a large body.

 

Why do we feel shame?

 

Feelings of shame started in our childhood, we can also say the “emotional wound” of shame or humiliation. Seeing that we mostly engaged with our parents as children, it is likely that you felt humiliated by one of your parents. Humiliated by the parents’ control, and lack of freedom to do or think for yourself.

Shame is awakened when a child feels that one of his parents is ashamed of him/her or if a parent humiliates him/her.

 

In our adult life we tend to create situations where we can feel shame or humiliation. Strange that we ‘create’ these feelings for ourselves, right? Why would we create shameful or humiliating situations for ourselves if we don’t even like it? Old habits from childhood. In other cases, people use it to motivate themselves. Dig a whole so deep just to get ourselves out again. “If I feel so ashamed of myself, then I will be forced to take massive action.” It’s a method towards taking action. The only problem is, if we do not watch ourselves, we can find ourselves trapped in the habit of shame. I know I’m not the only person that made use of negative motivation to gain results. i.e. digging a hole to get ourselves out again. This is not the most optimal method of goal achievement.

Sometimes feeling shame is a way of not feeling or facing a fearful situation or a new situation. We would rather feel something familiar, something like shame. The saying goes, “rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t.’ Meaning, we would rather choose something we know, a feeling we know, than going into uncharted territory and emotions, or to change.

In most cases we create shameful situations as a method of self-punishment. When we do not like our behaviour, we would punish ourself with a humiliating experience in the hopes that we will not do it again.

In other words, shame can arise from not doing what you know should be done, punishing yourself by feeling shame or humiliated.

 

Shame is a self-punishing act we enforce upon ourself.

 

Shame is an emotion that comes from situations and perceptions where we feel embarrassed or humiliated.

 

Now, we can also see shame and humiliation as a self-punishing act. The punishment is the emotion of shame. Which is quite damaging.

This can happen in a work environment where someone calls you out on the quality of work you have done, like in business meetings or even in your own company.

Or when you are overly critical about yourself. “See how I look, I am fat.” Thoughts of never being good enough, “it is shameful what I have done or not done.” Or “I am ashamed of the quality of work I am doing.”

 

The interesting thing about our ‘wounds’ or perceptions is that while most people can experience the same situation, we process it differently. Some people might perceive a situation as painful and want to disappear, not to be seen or face the situation, while others get angry and act out while some feel humiliated or shame.

 You set yourself up for this punishment prior to the event. By eating more than you should or eating unhealthy foods, comfort foods. Eventually you will look out of shape and humiliated.

Or

Not doing the work you know should be done, leading to a shameful experience in front of your colleagues or clients.

 

 It’s a funny thing, people pick it up in your energy, most people are not aware of what they pick up, but they know they don’t want it.

  

Feelings of shame is hard to notice. At first we don’t recognise it as shame, we don’t want to admit it, we are humiliated and shameful. Only after some honest introspection will it become clear.

We feel shameful when we ask and/or accept frequent handouts from family and friends. We feel shameful when we know we are not doing enough to achieve a certain outcome or goal. i.e. making a target, financial or physical (health/fitness)

 

When John first came to me, his head was drooped when he entered the office apologising for being late. Because he was late, he was rushing and built up a sweat. He came to see me because his life was stagnant and needed to get it to a new level. His business stop growing and his health was dropping.

After the 1^st session he realised that he set himself up for humiliation by partially completing tasks, leaving room for shame. Not going for a run today lead to not going for a run the entire month, then 2 months, then 1 year. Now he was struggling to play with his kids due to his health and he is constantly running around fixing problems he did not complete from the start. This made him overweight, sweaty and behind on promises. He was always busy but never delivered results. Which was a bit of a humiliating experience when he had to show face.

We did an exercise called the “Web of life” where we identified where his priorities were subconsciously and how to reorganise them to align with his goals. 

Sufferers from shame tend to have a few things in common, i.e. body shape, eating habits and thinking habits. Body shapes are large and round, eating habits tend to be more unhealthy and fatty foods, and thinking habits are mostly that of self-blame.

We looked at his old habits and created a new set of habits that will support his ideal life. Physiology leads to psychology and psychology leads to physiology. In other words, what you think you do and what you do, you think.

Further down, we will discuss the exercises we have done to change shame around.

I’m happy to say that John has overcome his shameful suffering and is now living life the way it’s meant, without bounds.

 

Physiology leads to psychology and psychology leads to physiology.

 

Intuition is very important in this regard. Especially when you are taking on new things that you have no or little knowledge about. Like starting a new business or starting an exercise regime from scratch. You do not know how hard you must work and how hard you can push yourself so you give up way too early and eventually fall off the wagon, feeling shameful.

 What makes intuition so valuable is the fact that it gives you answers to your questions. “How can I lose weight?” or “How can I get more customers for my new business?” You almost always get an answer. It is not always what you expected but it is a start. i.e., walk around the block every day. Easy, right? Then why are you not doing it? Why don’t you trust your intuition? A walk today will lead to a 5km run in a couple of months. If you start with 5km today you might lose interest because it is too hard. Trust your instincts/intuition, your body and mind know how you work and what steps will lead to your ultimate desire.

Same thing happens for new business. A simple thought like hand out flyers in your street can lead to gaining the client/s you need. But not actioning it because you might feel humiliated handing out flyers is debilitating your growth. By not taking action you sit with the thoughts of “what if”. “What if” can lead to increased shame over time and a shameful depression. “What if I started exercising a year back?” What if I handed out flyers every month a year ago, where would my business be?”

 

Not following your intuition can lead to a shameful situation.

 

Eg. You are overweight and must lose 20kg. You ask yourself “what must I do to lose this 20kg?” you get a knowing to exercise and eat healthy. But you decide not to do any of these things. Now every time you eat you have thoughts and feeling of shame and disappointment. Shameful because you are stuffing your face again. Disappointment and humiliated because your clothes still don’t fit.

 

Eventually the shame expands. Now you are unhealthy and rely on other people to do things for you. Pick something up from the shops/pharmacy or hand you something from across the room. Expecting others to do things for you. It makes you feel powerless, powerless to change.

The shame is ever expanding, and to get rid of the shame just becomes more and more difficult.

A level of begging can also be found in the mind. Subconsciously you are begging and hoping for help. Begging for someone to hand you something, for self-control, for someone to take your hand and lead you to health or success.

 

Shame follows a beggar. Begging is the act you do when you feel you cannot get it for yourself. Shame precedes begging but the two are almost always together.

  

How can you get your pride back?

Become aware – Being aware of how you feel and think in a situation will allow you to change your thoughts and feelings and not be a victim of your past. 

 

Notice all the forms that shame can show up.

·        Loss of face

·        Humiliation

·        Embarrassment

·        Dishonour

·        Begging

·        Taking and relying on hand outs

·        Guilt

·        Disgrace

 

When you are aware of your thoughts and feelings, only then can you change it. This you will have to do prior to the event because when you are in the event/situation the emotions tend to be so strong and overpowering that we cannot change it around at that moment.

 

How?

Find a quiet time where you can sit and write down your thoughts. Start by breathing deeply. This will oxygenate the brain and give you better clarity of thoughts and feelings. Breath deep and slow for about a minute, focusing on your breath going in and out.

Take note of where you have felt shame during the day or week and what caused it.

 

Wright down the following and answer honestly.

 

·        Identify when and where you felt or noticed the feelings and thoughts of shame or humiliation?

·        What were you busy doing?

·        What was said and how did you feel about it?

·        Why did you perceive it in that way?

·        What would need to change for you to perceive it in a different way?

·        What excuses do you come up with to justify the feelings of shame?

 

How do you rather want to feel? Taking into consideration that pride is the opposite of shame. It is important to feel the ideal outcome as well.

 

·        What would you have done differently to avoid the feelings of shame?

·        What would you have done to feel pride?

·        How would that situation feel if you felt pride?

·        What would you have said or not said?

·        What actions would you have taken prior to the event to have been able to avoid or change the outcome?

 

Now, replay the situation in your mind and emotions again but with the ideal outcome. How would you have perceived the situation if you were full of pride? What would you have said and done? Have fun with this, and FEEL the emotions you want to feel. This might be difficult the 1^st time, but keep at it. This is reprogramming your mind.

 

Emotions are just chemical reactions released from your brain caused by thoughts. Change your thoughts, change your life.

 

Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you will remember how you want to feel, act and react and choose differently. Doing this every time you are in that situation will reprogram your mind and expectations to what you have pre planned. If you do this in a live situation about 3 times you will see your responses will have changed to the new response, filled with pride. Keep at it.

 

Remember, by holding on to your excuses you just prolong the suffering and shame.

 

Changing the narrative.

It always helps by replacing the troublesome feelings with the opposite feeling, in this case pride. After identifying your habits and triggers of feeling shame you need to plan how you can feel pride in those situations.

Create situations in your daily life where you can feel pride. Start small, be proud that you woke up when your alarm went off. Be proud that you ate a healthy meal. Be proud you walked around the block. Be proud you did the extra effort.

Then expand it to more areas until you feel proud all the time. Taking small steps will change your life. Don’t expect to be a 100 meter sprint champion in a week. But if you don’t start small today, you will never experience your pride.

If you know you can do more, then do more. Build habits of doing more for the purpose of feeling pride. Visualise situations during your day where you can feel pride.

Keep a journal, it helps you think clearly.

 

It all starts within. We have all made decisions that does not help and support our inner desires and vision, but we all have the ability to change them.

Remember, emotions are just chemical reactions released from your brain caused by thoughts. Change your thoughts, change your life. Be smart about this, plan it out. Plan your emotions, plan your life. Small daily actions lead to success.

 

Happy living.